Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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