the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am available for nakedness
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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