my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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