I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
