i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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