im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
