i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
