I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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