The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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