it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
