this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize