I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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