She just used a chaser for red wine.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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