got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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