The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
