I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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