I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
