Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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