3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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