Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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