im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
