I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I want to be your penis for a week.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
