Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
