too bad you live with your parents still
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Congratulations! We have a period
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