i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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