i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
