Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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