Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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