he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
