meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
