since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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