your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
