News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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