Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
