I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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