I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
