2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I booty called her while she was in labor.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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