i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
