he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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