A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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