Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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