I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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