y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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