Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
