I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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