is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
