So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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