and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She bit a glass in half.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
