if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
