God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
