Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
