i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
