i think my tv is drunk
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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