My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
