franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize