Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
