Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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