dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
