he wants to bone in the snuggie
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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