Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i now understand why vodka
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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