i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
